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Hope is such a precious thing, and yet most of us regularly use the word in conversation; I hope you are OK….hopefully things will work out….etc It is as if we take for granted that there is, and always will be, hope. But hope is our water in the desert, the essence of life itself and needs to be valued and cherished. According to Greek mythology, when Pandora opened the box which released misery into the world, hope was the last thing left in the box and she shut it in to keep it.

Emily Dickinson, an American poet, wrote in 1861:

Hope is the thing with feathers / That perches in the soul

And sings the tune without the words/ And never stops at all

Perhaps we can imagine a flame of hope flickering inside us, like a candle. When we feel at our most robustly hopeful, it could be a Pillar candle; or if we are generally hopeful but worrying somewhat, maybe a Taper candle; and when we are really struggling to be hopeful, perhaps it is a little tealight……most importantly, we must keep the wavering flame going, protect it, and encourage it to get stronger and transform to the most resilient it can be.

One way we can do this by paying attention to our boundaries, for example, being there for others who need us without draining our own resources completely and gradually feeling hopeless. Being responsible towards others, not for them.

Giving ourselves the opportunity to draw on our environment for sources of hopefulness is another way: all around us are sights, sounds, scents, and tactile gifts from the natural world. At this time of year, we can feast our eyes (and nurture those candles) on daffodils, crocuses and spring blossom, trees and shrubs coming into leaf, birds nesting and in song, bluer skies after long dark wintery days. gentle warmth of welcome sunshine. Spring is a symbol in itself of hopefulness, promising growth and good things to come.

And let’s remember our own unique individual contribution to the spirit of hope, and offer others a smile as we pass, likely to be returned, uplifting each of us in a small but significant way, and encouraging the candle flame.

When you really think about this, there are so many ways to nurture hope in ourselves and others: consider giving the gift of fully listening, attentively, to others, so that they feel properly heard. It is a simple thing but it so helpful in enhancing well-being, increasing hope and belief that the world can be a good place.

January, named after the Roman God Janus who was depicted with one face looking back at the past and the other facing the future, seems to be a favourite time for us to make a commitment to change.

This often means changing behaviour of some sort. Typically we resolve to do something different and new, or stop doing something which we know isn’t good for us. A common objective is self-improvement, in theory for a better self and therefore a better (happier) life.

So,we may declare an intention to have a Dry January, lose a certain amount of weight, do couch to 5 km, wild water swimming, padel, pickleball, or other exercise, stop spending as much, read more, find (or end) an intimate relationship ……

Whilst these goals may have health and other benefits, they sometimes prove difficult to act on or maintain. We may blame willpower, but often it is about expecting too much of ourselves; if we didn’t do these things in the months leading up to January, there was probably a reason. For example, binging on sweet or savoury ultra-processed foods can feel comforting, relieve stress, at the time, and similarly alcohol can initially make us feel relaxed and rewarded after a busy day. Fitting regular exercise into an already full-on working day may mean early mornings or late evenings – dark, damp and cold at this time of year, so unappealing. The habits we have developed tend to be about soothing unwanted feelings, managing stress, and distracting ourselves to avoid facing and dealing with problems, staying in the comfort zone.

Perhaps we can look at the year ahead with fresh eyes and reset our path forward. Instead of doing/not doing something , we could reflect on our way of being . We are, after all, human beings. So, let’s consider improving how we are, and how we live, by focusing on our our mental health. This can be done by developing access to our calmer, peaceful – perhaps more spiritual? – self. through a form of regulated breathing and meditating, Mindfulness. There is evidence that daily practice of this gently alters brain chemistry and enhances a sense of well-being. Mindfulness does not demand significant commitment of time, and is free! There are no adverse side effects and we can all do it. I suggest starting with just 2 minute sessions 4 times a day and building up to longer sessions, perhaps 15 minutes, twice daily. There is lots of information about Mindfulness online with guidance about the helpful, calming breathing process. This is a change that can be a lasting one with life-long benefit to us and therefore to those we care about.

During my years as as a Psychotherapist, I have met many clients who were struggling to cope at a difficult time in their lives. They might say they felt lost or stuck or depressed and did not know how to move forward.

Feedback from these clients encouraged me to gradually develop some strategies which seemed to help some people, particularly when combined with therapeutic support.

Firstly, plan, then try to carry out one thing each day that you enjoy; it needs to be something that is just for you, a little extra that is potentially fun and that you might be tempted to call ‘self- indulgent’ or ‘a waste of time’. Importantly, it should not be harmful in any way. Ideas might include a walk somewhere in nature, rustling through fallen leaves or trying to catch them as they fall, or maybe trying to identify birdsong. Perhaps watching a film you loved that have seen before, or putting on some music from ‘back in the day’ and having a private dance around or singing along. Maybe, you could take some photos of a beautiful sunset or even sunrise! Or go somewhere you can get a view of stars without light pollution. It could be as simple as a soak in a warm scented bath…..

The significance of these choices is that they are all just FOR YOU. This offers you the conscious/unconscious internal message: I am worth doing this for. In other words, I am an OK- good enough person. This is important when someone is feeling low, a bit of a failure maybe, bad about themselves.

Secondly, plan then try to and carry out one thing each day that you do not expect to be thanked for, which contributes to society in some way. This could be a small donation to a charity such as homelessness, lifeboats or a donkey sanctuary, You might be eligible to give blood. Perhaps just bringing in your neighbour’s bin.

The point about this, is that it can increase your sense of belonging and mattering. It has the potential to enhance that particular need that we all tend to carry within us.

Finally, plan and try to carry out one thing each day which in some way improves your immediate environment. This could be as simple as pulling up a particular weed growing bigger daily near your door, or picking up some rubbish you have noticed. Maybe tidying a drawer that is in a mess and does not close properly; this is not about a major redecorate, although that could also be therapeutic in some cases!

I believe that the benefit here is to help the person feel a little bit more in control at a time when it can feel like everything is overwhelming, all too much, pointless.

The combination of these three things seems to be what makes them effective.

On Saturday February 8^th I contributed again to a BBC Radio Nottingham Morning Show, hosted by Frances Finn. Our interest was centred on a newspaper report about what women really want from their ‘true love’ on Valentine’s Day, namely, some help around the home, a bit of vacuuming, perhaps……

The principle behind this is that ‘actions speak louder than words’; they show awareness of what is important to the loved one, and care for her needs, ‘easing her burden’ especially if the doer himself does not consider a clean and tidy home to be a priority and may dislike housework.  The action requires effort, unlike simply buying a card and some chocolates or flowers. Doing something like this is the opposite of letting someone down and broken promises. (See Relational Needs , points 4 and 7)

However, a gift can also be immensely meaningful if it is chosen with thoughtfulness and understanding of the loved one’s special interests and taste; even more so if it is unexpected, which possibly, for Valentine’s Day, it might not be….( See Relational Needs, points 5 and 6)

The same applies to a card if it shows evidence of being carefully selected to be just right for the loved one, and especially applicable to their relationship. But without a personally written message of love and validation, it might still seem hollow; positive, specifically targeted words have the power to make us feel unique, worth-full and uplifted, just as negative ones can demoralise and distress. Sadly, we tend to hang on to the latter for longer, and even use them against ourselves. (See Relational Needs, points 2 and 6)

It is natural to seek proof that the positive words are not empty ones, and often this may mean they need to be backed up, for example by actions such as those described above or by physical touch / intimacy. A caress, a kiss, a hug given without being asked, at just the right time, can convey a deep message of love, and togetherness and make the loved one feel secure, desired and special. (See Relational Needs, points 1 and 7)

‘Specialness’ is critical for self-worth and confidence; if we are not truly special to the one we love and believe ourselves to be loved by, it will eventually undermine the relationship. Having ‘quality time’ with the loved one is essential; this provides the opportunity if one is not otherwise readily available to give our undivided attention to the loved one, listening attentively, to the music behind the words, as well as to the words themselves so we can show how important he/she is to us. Again this is the opposite of being self-absorbed, distracted, disinterested and merely paying ‘lip service’ to the principle of Valentine’s Day.  (See Relational Needs, points 2,3 ,4 and 5, 6 and 8 )

The psychotherapy theory supporting these themes can be found an article Attunement and Involvement: therapeutic responses to relational needs, by Richard Erskine (1998),  briefly itemised below. He describes eight aspects of relationship which we seek from cradle to grave with our significant other person, starting with mother. We need:

1.Security, to feel safe

2.Validation, to feel worth-full

3.Reliability, consistency ,dependability

4.Confirmation of our experience, sharing it

5.Self-definition – supporting us to understand who we are, establishing an identity we comprehend.

6.Impact – we make a positive emotional impact on this person, she/he on us.

7.His/her willingness to initiate – not delaying making the first move when we are stuck/blocked

8.The opportunity to express our love

So, in summary, what we most want from our ‘true love’, I would contend, is to feel special by experiencing ‘quality time’ together, which meets the majority of the 8 needs.

This week, I contributed to a discussion on BBC Radio Nottingham, with Frances Finn, about Postnatal Depression which affects approximately 14% of new mothers, usually about 4-6 weeks after childbirth.

Of course this means that 86% of new mothers will not experience this difficulty. And it is important to emphasise that there is now lots of help and support available if you or someone you know goes through this.

Anyone can develop Postnatal Depression – even the new mother in the spotlight, the Duchess of Cambridge! However, it seems that some factors make it a little more possible, eg a previous history of depression or other mental health diagnosis, eg Bi-Polar Disorder. Also, in my experience, with recent clients, a particularly traumatic birth, eg one in which the mother or child was in a life-threatening situation, may be a factor. It seems possible that a lack of support/isolation may also be relevant issues, which contribute to the new mother feeling overwhelmed with a sense of responsibility and personal inadequacy, which are features of Postnatal Depression. A baby who does not sleep well, particularly if the mother is the sole carer, can lead to her feeling sleep-deprived, which is another potential contributor to this sort of depression. There may be pressure (self-or-other imposed) to breast-feed, which a new mother may find painful or difficult and then feel ‘bad’ if she bottle-feeds. And of course, there are hormonal factors; it seems that sometimes, natural post-birth beneficial hormonal changes simply do not occur, thus making the new mother psychologically vulnerable.

Signs of Postnatal Depression include:

• low mood and irritaability
• exhaustion/lethargy
• sense of panic/urge to escape from baby
• low sense of self-worth/self-belief
• tearfulness
• feeling overwhelmed, can’t cope
• hypervigilance (startle response), difficulty getting to sleep

Help can be provided through midwife/health visitor/mental health nurses and support staff, and of course, through GP. Treatment may include anti-depressants (SSRIs), and talking therapy, usually Cognitive-Behavioural Therapy. In this we collaboratively target the negative automatic thoughts about self, eg inadequacy, worthlessness, failing, and together we challenge the evidence which seems to tell us they are true, proving beyond doubt that they are NOT. We also identify the roots of the panic, and find ways to soothe this, such as breathing regulation, mindfulness ‘meditation’, and developing a more helpful, encouraging internal dialogue. Joining a group of new mothers for mutual support, combatting the isolation – perhaps ‘chosen’ by oneself – also has a therapeutic benefit.

The most important point is that YOU WILL GET THROUGH THIS and any perceived flawed relationship with your baby CAN RECOVER.