Following the highly publicised alleged infidelities of celebrities such as John Terry, Ashley Cole, Vernon Kaye and Tiger Woods, the Morning Show on BBC Radio Nottingham once again included the Kim-on-the-Couch slot, on Monday 15th February, to discuss the psychology of betrayal and recovery.

There are many reasons for infidelity. Here are just a few:

• one person may feel that his/her needs are not being fully met in the current relationship; he/she may be constantly searching (consciously or sub-consciously) for someone ‘to understand’ better – a ‘soul-mate’ out there perhaps…..
• the existing relationship may have become ‘stale’, in that one or both parties take the other for granted, and complacency imperceptibly allows boredom to creep in and creates space for the excitement of intrigue and the illicit affair.
• A couple develop increasingly absorbing interests outside the home, and drift apart, becoming virtual strangers under the same roof…..someone who shares the same interests becomes more than a friend..
• a person’s past deficits of self-esteem and desire for constant reassurance of worthfulness may make him or her vulnerable to, and excessively needy of, admiration/adoration etc Some celebrities may particularly enjoy the feeling of being special, and crave this, like a drug.
• he/she may be have only been in an environment of dysfunctional models of couples relationships in which infidelity featured , so not expect a relationship to last ( self-fulfilling prophecy!) and therefore be keeping their options open….
• a life-changing event (bereavement/trauma) may provoke a spontaneous re-appraisal of what is truly important now to the individual, resulting in a determination to be different, live life to the full, experience to the maximum etc, creating a fertile opportunity for a new love interest to replace the pre-existing one, which is associated with the past, former self. This phenomenon may also occur at key life moments in which self-identity is challenged, eg turning 40/50/60, children leaving home etc, sometimes called ‘mid-life crisis’.
• a person who has experienced the hurt of infidelity, may deliberately set out to punish his/her partner in a ‘tit for tat’ way; and indeed lose so much trust in the viability of fidelity with anyone, that future partners may then also be punished (consciously or sub-consciously) by infidelity. 

However, mostly people who betray the spoken or unspoken agreement of a fidelity to each other, do not set out to hurt their partner. Most expect never to be caught. Some, who end the pre-existing relationship will go to considerable lengths to try to convince their partner that ‘there is no-one else….I’m just not in love with you any more (but I still care about you), and I just need my space etc…’

Such lack of honesty compounds the hurt of the betrayal when it is eventually revealed, and the potential damage to self-worth, as the other person is left wondering what he/she has done wrong, thinking  ‘if only I had been more….’  Although it may seem tougher, most people cope better knowing ‘the worst’, once the decision to leave has been made. Uncertainty triggers our deepest fears and vulnerabilities.  

Recovery time after a relationship ends depends very much on how the person who has been hurt views life generally, and his/her past experience of being let down and loss. Someone who has a history of abandonment, rejection and loss may naturally interpret this latest experience as further confirmation of self as not worth keeping as a partner, undeserving…. he/she may have invested heavily emotionally in this relationship.  There is then a possibility of onset (or return) of mental health difficulties such as depression. Professional help via GP and a talking therapy (counselling) is usually recommended.

Some people are sufficiently emotionally robust to grieve the loss of the relationship (there is likely to be loss even if both parties were drifting apart) much as we grieve when bereaved – typically shock, denial, anger, fear, sadness and eventually resolution and finally acceptance. In due course they will move on and replace the former loved one. They may continue to have the legacy of a diminished level of trust. This can be worked through with the support of the new partner, although may benefit from some professional help, eg couples counselling.

Some couples set out to re-build their relationship after infidelity, and achieve this successfully.  A relationship may be compared to a house; when the trust is breached it is as if there is subsidence, and huge cracks appear in one or more load-bearing walls. Continuing this image, it is not likely to be a satisfactory repair, if the cracks are just filled in. The foundations themselves need major treatment, and ideally the house might be better rebuilt from scratch, perhaps even somewhere new! Couples counselling can be helpful in this process.

It is also worth noting that if the house ultimately has to be abandoned and put up for sale, so that each person can go their seperate ways, working with a couples counsellor in making an ending together, to what was once a happy hopeful dream for both parties, can help the grieving and healing process.